musings on life, death, and all crap in between.
by Lily Writer
Summary: This is a series of one shots about Individual character musings. So far featuring Peitro, Todd's, Lance's, Mystique's, Rogue's, Xavier's and Kitty's rants. It's a strong PG13 for mentions of dark stuff, inclusing rape and abuse and general angst. Next up
1. fieldfull

In one of my foster homes, we lived in this remote place, out in the country

A/N: ok, so it's the first in a series of shorts about the characters in X Men: Evolution series. Please forgive me if I've missed some part of the show or got info messed up, I'm from Canada and haven't seen the series yet, so I've had to settle on descriptions and stuff. If this gets good reviews, I think I might do a short on Lance Avlers next, so please send in feedback!

Fieldfull 

A Pietro Story.

In one of my foster homes, we lived in this remote place, out in the country. Wasn't pretty, the roof leaked, there was always work, place smelled like shit. The only thing I really remember was the field outside, there was a hill behind the house and then the place straightened out and the fields began. Endless fields full of meter high grass, lots of space and sky, I think I spent more time out there then anywhere else.

Growing up like I did, in the city, you really don't get used to space and freedom. When I was little, I used to think that the sky wasn't really blue, just a grayish cloudy shade. There was always pollution, car smells and smoke and lots of noise. I wasn't used to having a place where I could run around and then flop down on the ground without getting trampled and killed by things passing by. 

The sky almost seemed the wrong color, this deep shade of blue, like colored plastic or something, only more real, nothing like the things people make.

I used to run around a lot, come out into the field and run until I collapsed and gasped for air, by then I couldn't see my house anymore, just fields and grass and the sky. 

People always said that I was skinny, teachers at school, old people, friends of the family I was with at the time…everyone said I was way too skinny, maybe it was my powers starting up early, because I could always eat a lot more then normal people. Probably my super speed metabolism and all that crap. You don't get to eat much, around where I came from, usually the foster homes were small, smelly, full of cats or dogs or rabbits or other crap that they had tried to use to replace children before coming to pick a kid from the orphanage. The places were small, smelly, full, and cheap. Once, I had to sleep in this small room with the big shaggy dog, on a mattress, no bed or anything, just the floor, the mattress (usually full of dog) and a low ceiling. They were always away on business and trusted me to keep to myself for a few days at a time. Sometimes they forgot to leave food and stuff, so I starved. I tried to eat dog food once, when they were gone for a week and forgot us. The thing tasted like crap, but I guess it was full of healthy stuff 'cause a bowl kept me happy for a whole day (usually I ate twice a day and was still hungry.)

This place though, with the field, it was something like heaven, because they hardly left home, and they were always feeding me proper, three times a day (usually things like cheese and bread and vegetables but the stuff tasted fresh so I didn't complain.) I had to work hard and stuff, chopping wood, going a few miles to the neighbors to exchange stuff, but in the end, they'd feed me and let me go out into the field and have as much fun as I liked. I learned to run there, run and run and run, just to keep myself moving, make sure that if things went bad, I could run away and through the field, until I found some other orphanage. That's where my powers started developing. My legs used to get cramped easily, from not getting enough food and air and space all my life, but now, I could run, really run, I used to practice all the time.

Finally, I ran home one day, I almost broke the door right through, skidded to a stop and looked down…my legs were cramping again, knees buckled, and my shoes were _smoking_! I made it through a few miles in a few minutes, which is nothing compared to now, but then, it was something like a miracle, that some little skinny city boy could run that fast and far, it was really something.

I knew mutants before, there were some in my orphanage, there was this guy who could bend things with his mind, telekinesis?His parents abandoned him when he got mad and accidentally threw a chair through the window, with his mind. They let him out on the street, at age twelve or so, then drove away and stuff, didn't even look back.

He was really already sixteen, about to get pushed out of the orphanage at eighteen unless someone wanted him, and no one would want a sixteen year old mutant, so he was only waiting for the streets. 

There were others, kids whose powers developed early. A little girl who could create shield against things, I guess she does something to the molecules around her, her mom died and her dad couldn't bare to see her again so he threw her into the orphanage, where she used to get beaten and had to develop the shield thing to keep alive. No one wanted her because she was always sitting in the corner, saying that her daddy was going to come and get her soon. She was seven, she spent about three years or so at the place.

I was just skinny little Pietro, people couldn't even pronounce my name right, some of my adopters couldn't either. I usually got picked because for the hair, everyone liked exotic hair, eyes, small mutations that didn't get in the way but looked nice. 

The barn people, they picked me because I was in a good age and looked like I could still work for my keep if made to, and because of the hair.

So I got to see the _blue_ sky, and enough field to keep me occupied, and a nice pair of folks, who didn't really bother raising me, but make sure I was alive, well, and ready for work.

This lasted the summer, but then, I got in trouble in school a lot, they didn't like that, so they sent me away, into the barn that served as an orphanage "down town" (really, it was a few stores and a church and stuff, oh, and the school.)

I lived there with lots of farm boys (no girls, they were always perfect and lovable and stuff, my ass.) the other kids were big, brawny, and looked like they had melons stuffed in their shirts, because I've never seen so many muscles.

I stayed there for a while, then ran away and joined some kids who were "living" on their own, renting an apartment (I managed to make it to a decent town, caught trains.) They were getting jobs and paying for a two-bedroom apartment in the worse part of town, right next door to this gay dude who used to get drunk and bring his fucking buddies over, they used to knock on our door and pay us to be their sex toys.

Nothing wrong with gays, but having to stand on your knees for a miserable half hour wasn't any good, and they paid about fifty bucks if we pretended to enjoy it.

I didn't enjoy it, but my job was sucky, and I needed to make more cash to stay with the guys, so I bared it and got the fifty. 

The worse part wasn't the dicks stuck up my ass, it was that I couldn't wash it off and forget it. We couldn't afford enough water.

The older boys, they were nice, kinda made sure that I stayed alive and didn't starve. They also broke up fights and made sure that people didn't steel other people's food. I didn't really like them, but they were better then some parents I had, so it was cool.

The fucking business made me hate boys. I just plain avoided everyone for a few hours after _that_ time; they almost scared me, walking around, huge, usually hungry (we all were) and willing to have some fun. (Male or female, I don't know if they cared, but normal girls wouldn't go near this that side of town, and hookers were too expensive.) I used to sit down and think about it, ask myself if they were good enough to trust or if I should go out and keep away until the thoughts faded, but eventually, I thought of the streets, with gangsters and people who wouldn't really give a fuck about who it was on their knees. 

I used to wonder what would happen if I got into a fight. Or got raped, or something. And eventually I got the message that if I didn't come back, none of the boys would care much. Which I was pretty used to.

I lived like that for a while, and my powers developed properly, So I decided to run again, and took all I could, (mind you, I didn't steel anything, just took everything that was rightfully mine and was shared by the guys) and ran, I raced across the states, and settled in this nice place, where there weren't any fields, but the sky was relatively clear, the air was clean, and cars were decent and didn't leak gas/smocked as if on crack, etc.

I got myself properly adopted, the pair were in their early thirties and liked children but were having problems getting one, so they settled right in for a white haired Pietro Maxmoff.

About my name, well, I don't really know who gave it to me, I don't know my parents, except that I was brought to this family by a man with white hair, who said that he would come back for me later, (They figured he meant a few years…they were probably high on something.) He said that my name was Pietro Maximoff, and that I was to be cared for.

The parents dumped me after he didn't show up, they waited a year, until I was four, and then dumped me in the nearest orphanage and told the guy in charge who I was and how they got me. The guy later told me that they had a girl with them, my age and looking like me (except for the hair) supposedly my twin, who's name was Wanda and who had asked for a lollypop when they brought me in.

They kept the girl but dumped me because they didn't like me, or something. I didn't even remember them all that much, maybe a face or something, I could have passed them on the street and not even look up, much less cared.

When the guy at the orphanage told me, I wasn't really all that sad that they hadn't cared about me but had cared about my sister, because at the time, I wasn't getting fed properly, I wasn't getting to go outside, play ( I was too small to get at any of the toys, even the broken, messed up, limbless doll no one really wanted but still kept because it was something to hold on to.) and was more or less sitting in the corner, talking to some other little kid who was being ignored and later got lung cancer from second hand smoking and died.

I had only asked the guy about my parents because I had wanted a story but knew better then to ask for one. The only thing I did care about, had been the white haired man who abandoned me and forgot to come back. I, being a miserable five and a half year old, had started looking through the window in hopes of seeing the white haired bastard, and maybe getting to throw something at him and claw his eyes out if I was lucky. But, eventually, I realized (with some help from the other kids) that he probably wouldn't be caught dead in a neighborhood like this one, with the roofs almost collapsing and leaking and tiny sidewalks just big enough for someone small to walk through without being shoved into a racing car. 

I gave up, and eventually decided that it was better to forget about my parents, adopted and otherwise, and started trying to beat up this seven year old so I could get the sandwich the orphanage guy had given him (the boy was cute, looked like an angel, and was always helping the boss with "protecting" the children, so he got a sandwich while I got some stale, black, molding bread and coffee with a cigarette butt in it.)

Later, when I first got picked up, I thought that I was going to get something nice to eat and maybe a real bed, like the staff slept in. Instead, I got a list of rules (starting with "Don't disturb us while we're napping, that's between two and five" and ending with "if you take so much as a step out of your room, daddy will make your bum-bum hurt for the whole evening.") of course, I got hit anyway, just for getting in the way and things, and soon learned that food wasn't all that important and that touching the pretty teady-bear collection in "my room" was VERY bad of me.

And that was the first few years of my life. I ran away at the age of six and got caught by the police, who decided that I needed to learn how lucky I was for even having a family and put me in another orphanage (which wasn't all that bad, people fed me twice a day and things.)

I kept my given name because at first, I didn't think about changing it, and later decided that if my folks ever bothered to find me, I would have disgraced their last name enough to at least get at them a little for dumping me.

My life in a nutshell, what a bomb, isn't it? I got to admit that it was rough at times, but since I always got _somewhere _and I was better off then a few people, especially the boy who died from lung cancer.

I think that the worse thing I've ever done was jumping that woman on the street, who I didn't kill, just stole her wallet and things. And the worse thing I was ever done to was forced to stand on the knees for a full half hour and ignore the pain that I felt every time someone's dick was pushed into my ass.

Now? I live with these guys, have a part time job, and am pretty sure that they'd at least bother to do a search for me before considering me dead.

I have three friends, (Lance, Fred, and Todd.) who I respect because they've gone through crap too. I also have a mansion full of enemies, who call themselves the X Men, live in the best fucking house in the city, and fight for justice and mutants and humans to live together happily, which I don't really care about. 

The only thing I really hate about them is that they're all high and mighty and the peppiest of the preppy. More or less assholes who are too good to bother doing anything but laugh and fight the Brotherhood, and hardly pay attention to us if they can help it (which I don't mind, but I still wish that they would be thrown out, dragged through the mud, and made to live at least a year like I did.) 

The only X man that I can stand is Rogue, who doesn't even know her name, doesn't have any real family, and used to be with the Brotherhood before she found out that Mystique (the bitch who got us together) lied to her about the X men.

She may be a Goth bitch, and she may live in a room with a proper bed and all, but she also talks to the guys sometimes, and tries to understand us, (probably because she's feeling sorry for us, bitch.) which I think deserves very little credit, but we used to be friends, so I guess I'll go easy on the Goth bitch. 

Over all, life's not too bad, especially since I think I might have found my white haired bastard. (Mr. Maximoff, no doubt!)

Now all I need is to go back to that field…I think I could use the running.

Like someone said once (I think it was Lance copying someone from some book, probably trying to get something for English class) "There's a fieldfull of bad things out there, and I think I've been dragged through it enough."

Or is that something I made up?

END


	2. Seeing the obvious

I'm the perceptive one

A/N: this is my take on Toad from his POV. It's a little angsty, but not really as much as Pietro's rant (can you tell who's my favorite?) this includes references to drugs, and some swearing (you should know all of these would include swearing!) so be AWARE!!! (whahahahah!!!)

Anyway, enjoy! And R&R!!!

Seeing the obvious

I'm the perceptive one. I'm always the one who gets to see what happens and I'm the one who gets to clean up the mess, keep us together.

It's like everyone else is wearing glasses, cracked glasses that only see the things that can't be ignored, not that people don't try to.

We live in a house that's barely standing…actually, we live in a house that's standing, but the roof leaks, the floor creaks, and the kitchen sink reeks. (People think I'm bad with English, people don't know who I _am_!) Living like I do, with three other guys and no adults in sight, my 'power of perceptiveness' gets used a lot, it also gets battered and dragged and sat on by Freddy, but it's still good for use the next day. 

When Pietro and Lance fight, I'm the one who knows why they're still there the next day, when Freddy comes home looking glum, I'm the one who tries to talk to him. Mind you, I'm not the one who really gives The Talk, nnnooo…that's Lance, who's acting all Big Brother Jo for us because he's the one who has to 'take care' of us. Talking to people who feel like shit (more then usual anyway) is just part of the bargain. 

I'm the one who sees things first, though.

Once, a little after Mystique left, we started having problems, (I'm talking before Pietro got that job) not only money problems, but just problems, Freddy got laughed at more and more and started dropping his grades and stuff because he was too angry to care, Lance got overworked, I got bullied to death, Pietro gave up on us all and went on drugs.

Quicky was the worse though, he went on crack, the stuff didn't really kill him, since things went through him in seconds, but it slowed him down, weighted him, made him different, not Pietro any more. 

No one noticed until a few weeks after he started, Lance was sleeping on his feet, Fred was always studying and trying to keep himself in school, I was always licking my wounds from the day. Pietro seemed fine, so I figured that he could take care of himself and _ignored_ him. (I'm still suffering over that, never ignore your friends!!) That went on, until Quicky started having nightmares and skipped school and such.

Lance noticed, a little after I did, but he noticed and started trying to find out. By the time he stared trying to talk to Pietro, the guy was a wreck, moving slower and slower until even the X freaks noticed.

I knew something was wrong, and I tried to talk to him, we talked and talked and he almost started telling me what was wrong…Pietro mentioned that his foster parents always gave up on him. That's how I figured it out. (was kinda proud of myself too, Lance is Quicky's best friend and he was still in the dark…)

Everyone tried to talk to him, even the X freaks…Summers, the fuzzy freak show, even Rogue, who managed to drag something out of him but refused to talk about it, even after Lance attacked her after school, dragged her up against the lockers and said he'd throw her into a lake and weight her down if she didn't tell him.

She didn't.

I think I understand now, why she shut up and left…She trusted Pietro to do the right thing…which is a lot more then I've ever associated with the traitor, but I guess she's not really that bad. 

She really trusted Pietro, to the point of making sure that he would have all the time he needed to come to terms and tell us, which he didn't, but that's besides the point. (I knew any way, so _I_ think it's beside the point)

Eventually, I found the drugs, I told Lance, Lance got him help, they talked, Pietro got off the stuff. He still sleeps in Lance's room, just in case things go down hill.

The thing is, I _understood_, I understood why Pietro did it, why Rogue wouldn't tell, why Lance was freaked out and going crazy…I understood why Freddy was worried but didn't show it, I understood why the X jerks were scared (well, maybe not that much, but freaked? Yeah.)

It's like I can see all the things that people miss, small things, that Lance doesn't have time to think about, the Pietro simply misses because he's trying to ignore details, concentrate on the large, good things. Things that Freddy can't _see. I know it._

I also understand why Lance is trying to keep us safe, why he needs us, as much as that shouldn't be associated with Lance Avlers, I understand why he needs a family.

Something to protect. Some one to keep.

Someone like Pietro, and Freddy, and maybe me.

The thing with the drugs? It scared me, I never really thought that I could loose the Brotherhood…that I'd care much if I did…But seeing Pietro almost kill himself with substance abuse scared me so much that I was afraid to let him go. I was afraid that maybe they would leave me, that I'd be alone again.

I used to listen at night, just to hear them breathing, so I'd know they're there.

It scared Lance too. Some of us couldn't tell, the X freaks couldn't…except Rogue, who talked to him for about two minutes and then left, shaking her head.

I could tell, he was freaked out too, scared that Pietro would die and it would be his fault. 

That's why he got Pietro to sleep in his room I guess, to make sure that he'd be in reach in case he happened to have a seizure and die.

Freddy tried to tell everyone that he was stupid and didn't understand, or didn't care. But he did, he was trying to keep himself away from people so that they wouldn't _hurt_ him, the way it hurts when someone who knows you betrays you. His policy seems to be "If they don't know you, all they can do is laugh." (I think it's a good idea, maybe a bit extreme, but then, people like us need it.)

Ever since, we've been a family. A real, growing (maybe not literally, but yeah), needing family. Which is more then any of us have had in a long time. 

I think that it would break us if Pietro had died. I think that I would have cried myself to death if I knew that Pietro Maximoff was never going to race into my room (and my life in general) again. I think Lance would kill himself.

I think that even without Rogue as our "older sister" we're still the best damn family on earth.

I'm the perceptive one, I'm the one who sees things the others miss, I'm the one who tries to help, and I'm the one who still listens, in the middle of the night, to the sound of my family breathing.

I think I'm seeing the obvious, and Lance thinks he's saying the obvious, and Freddy thinks he's doing the obvious, and Pietro knows we're all right.

I think I need the guys more then I need air, but maybe that's just me.

The End

A/N: ok, so that's Todd's rant, which turned out almost as good as Pietro's. Please R&R as much as possible, hints and criticism on both structure and content is welcome (and needed). I hope you guys like this one, and if so, please tell me which character should be next in line? Rogue? Scott? Kurt (I am NOT going to do a kurtty, you've got plenty of those elsewhere, neither will I do a Scott/Jean, because they're the obvious couple. Please don't ask for those. Any other couples slash or otherwise, are welcome!) I think about doing an Evan next, or maybe Fred. (Just for _My _sake, there will be no Storm or Wolverine rants, I'm doing this based solely on knowledge from fics posted on FF.net, and there isn't enough material to cover those characters.) 

Please R&R/C&C/whatever, I really need advice. 


	3. Gunning Down Romance

A/N: it's a slash alert

A/N: it's a slash alert!! Pietro/Lace (it's one sided) so be AWARE!! Also, minimal talk of rape and lots of cussing (seriously, this is Lance's rant!) oh, yeah…I don't own X men Evolution!

Also, I want to thank everyone who reviewed this fic! I love you guys (and girls) to bits for all the great feedback! Because of one review by "www.ta.com", I'm going to write another musing about Lance and his past, just for you! This is just something in the meantime! I hope you guys like it!

Gunning Down Romance

Romance has no part in life. It's a rule, romance is meant for fairytales and books about people killing themselves for love, but it's not for real life.

If love's what makes the world go round, then romance is what makes black holes in space (the ones that suck up everything? Yeah, those.) Love, as in the kind that mothers are giving their children (at least until they turn ten and decide to start enjoying life) exists as much as sunny days do (everyone's seen them, but no one remembers that they did), it's real, rare, and the most useless thing imaginable, because eventually it abandons you in search of a new victim and you miss it.

Romance, on the other hand, doesn't exist, nor should it, because if love leaves you empty and alone, romance leaves you empty, alone, and missing your wallet (if you have it, some people bump into romance while they're still small, innocent and have no cash.)

I'm talking about the kind of "love" that boyfriends and girlfriends (or the married versions) share. 

People pretend that romance _is_ love, which is just plain wrong. Romance is a give and take relationship, where the giver is known collectively as "Sucker" and the taker is known as "player" and should be avoided at all costs! THEY ARE DANGEROUS!!

This is what I learned on the street, very easy lesson, too. I'm trying to teach it now, and I think it's working, because a few of my friends are safe from romance (I have to live with them, I am _not_ about to let them get crushes! God knows Pietro Maximoff would go all hyper and happy and maybe stop making sense all together, and Todd…I don't wanna think about it.)

I've been taught in every way possible that romance sucks, especially for people who have no intentions of _playing_. (I count into that category, I really do! Swear on my fucking mother's grave!) 

Being a little kid with parents that didn't want you, you get used to love being a rare thing. Really, it was the first thing I learned, that love wasn't something you find in family, friends, etc.

The other guys learned it too. Todd, his dad put him in a mental home to keep him quiet, Pietro's parents left him, promised to come back, and didn't, he can't even remember them. Fred's been laughed at all his life. 

Some times I wonder what it would be like if they were all like the X freaks, having a family, only coming to the brotherhood because of their mutations.

Wondering, I do a lot of that. Ever since Mystique left us, I've been leader, brother, friend and provider. The guys are my family, sort of. And they may be the most screwed up family on earth, but goddamn it we'll stay the fucking family as long as I'm alive.

We're strange that way, the guys (and me too, I'm like them too! OH JOY!!) haven't had a proper home in who knows how long, especially Pietro and Todd, 'cause Freddy used to have a house (even though his parents laughed at him a lot, jerks.) the point is, the brotherhood is all I've got left, I don't know what to do without the guys, it's become like some sort of routine…Drive to school, drive them from school, make sure Pietro's home by eleven, make sure Todd didn't break anything from his 'Duncan time'…help Freddy with his home work, go to work…make Pietro and Todd do groceries…things like that. Just like a family. A screwed up family.

I don't know what to do if they break us up, but I think I can guess the other's reactions…Pietro would race around a bit, find a place, get himself a home, then run away again. Todd would probably get caught out in the streets, Freddy would find another town and get a job and apartment or something. 

The thing is, I think they'd _care_.

We're a family, and as much as the place is falling apart, I think I like my home right now, even if just because it's a real _home_, with friends…people I'd miss.

I try to protect them from romance. 

I do, really…well, as much as I can without getting out there a telling the world "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS!!" (I really want to do that sometimes.)

That's what I do, protect them, not from the world, though, 'cause it's already done it's worse to them and they've made it through. (Maybe the guys aren't sane anymore, but they're through.) I'm their guardian, since Mystique decided she didn't want the crazy bunch of mutties any more, it's all up to me, and I think I'm getting to like it, too.

So I protect them, not that they'll ever notice, I don't want them to either, but I'm still protecting them, just to make sure they don't die and leave me.

(Selfish, isn't it?) 

Romance is something I've tried to protect them from, it ruins people, and Todd, Pietro and Freddy don't need to be ruined any more. (SO unhealthy!!)

I'm glad Rogue left…because at some point I was freaked out that I might fall for the Goth Bitch. Of course, Lance Avlers never falls in love. Seriously, Romance is way overrated!

Right now though, I think it's pretty safe to say that none of the guys are busy falling for girls/guys/hairy monkeys/whatever blows their fucking horns. (it doesn't really matter in the long run any way, just to tell you people, guys leave you just as badly wounded as girls) 

I miss Rogue. 

I can't believe I'm saying it, but I seriously miss the Goth Bitch, I mean, if not for the brilliant conversations we never had, then just for the fact that she could make pancakes and cleaned the place a bit. Even if I did fall for her, I think the pancakes are worth it.

We need a maid, or a girl, either's fine. As long as it's not Mystique.

I think it's great that things are going so fucking _well_ for us (you can drown in my pool of sarcasm here) well, as long as I've got a job and there's a little food on the table (more like in the fridge, keeping food on the table when Freddy's around has proved to be too much like tempting a black hole.) We're still alive and kicking. Sort of. But I still wish Mystique had left us a bit more then two thousand dollars. Goddamn it, the money's running out!! (I've been thinking about running Pietro through a job. he's got too much time on his hands as it is. God, nothing can keep the guy down for over half an hour.)

About romance. Romance Sucks (laterally, it sucks out your brains and wallet and leaves behind it a mushy thing they call fluff, which is what happens when you get all mushy with a girl/guy/whatever.) I've been thinking, and all the people who I could possibly call properly alright (as in not too insane to be considered jerks and losers.) haven't shown any signs to being affected by Romance.

Count with me!

Rogue (psycho bitch or not, you've gotta admit, she's the only sane girl in town) has no stupid crushes, or at least non that are affecting her (she's a psycho after all!)

Pietro, Todd, Freddy are decent, and they're completely disinterested in other people. Can't really blame them, this town sucks major ass.

Mystique…unless you count her infatuation with the blue boy, she's properly avoiding romance. And love in general. 

About Magneto? I wouldn't know, but since there's no "magneta" that I know of, I think he's all right. If not, well, he's not all that sane anyway.

The X freaks on the other hand, are all dating each other, except Daniels, who can't get a date and so spends his Friday nights bothering other people and challenging Pietro about everything.

Funny…isn't it? I've spent so much time protecting the guys when the only person I can think of that might pull them into a stupid romantic "adventure" is really me, Lance Avlers the earth shaker.

I shouldn't flatter myself, really. I know they're all straight and stuff, that's why I'd rather be the one protecting them from Romance. But really, it's nice to be able to get so _close_ to Pietro without having him look at me strangely. It's nice to have someone like him, even if it's just for a friend.

Yeah, I'm admitting it, I've got a _thing_ for Pietro Maximoff the speed demon. Why not? 

It was damn hard to admit it, but then again…really, it's obvious, isn't it? I stare at him, I listen to his breathing at night, I try to get close to him, protect him, just because I _like_ him! I'm building my life around a boy who doesn't notice me simply because I'm Lance, and I would never hurt him.

I wouldn't, of course. I might be a loser, but I'm decent enough to keep my stupid wishes to myself, especially about Pietro. 

He's nice, really. And we're nice together, too. Like best friends. The thing is, whenever he's got a problem (which isn't often, Pietro doesn't _get_ problems) I'm the one he talks to. We sit in my room, and sometimes we're lying on the bed together, just because it's nice to be able to be near someone. 

It's so easy to just reach over and _touch_ him. So easy to just snuggle into him and leave it like that. Who cares about explaining, right?

I wouldn't do that, of course. I'm decent and I'd never hurt Pietro, just because he's younger and I could beat the crap out of him before he gets to the floor is no reason to assume that I'm going to _rape_ him. He's my friend. 

And besides, I don't rape people. 

Ok, so I still think…no! I _know_! Romance sucks! And whatever I've got for Pietro, it's not gonna ruin anything because he'll never find out. I won't hurt him like that. Not ol' Lancy!No wallet sucking asshole here! (Except when I need to get the groceries and Pietro has something in there)

So yeah, we're friends, and yeah, I like him, and yeah, it's a lost case because Romance sucks ass and I won't ruin my protection mission by getting it on with Pietro. Even if he is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

(Ever seen Pietro Maximoff when he's trying to cook breakfast? That is so…I will not say cute! I refuse!! )

I think I need to get a life, but I won't, because there are three guys out there that need to be protected. If only from Romance.

END

A/N: ok, so it's slash…can you blame me? these things are gonna have a few couples, some one sided, since you've read that Pietro hasn't mentioned Lance a bit. Well…what do you guys think? Not as angsty as you'd think Lance's rant would be, but I was trying for something more easy going then that heavy stuff with Todd and Pietro. How did I do?

Next comes Mystique and Magneto, since I've started both (and Mystique's almost finished), after that, it's probably Rogue and Freddy. please R&R, for ideas, comments, questions, and suggested couples, put in a review!

I'm thinking about making another Lance fic, one about his past. How 'bout it?


	4. I'll Keep My Window Open

My daughter, Rogue

A/N: Ok, Mystique was pretty hard, at least harder then Lance and Todd and Pietro, since they're pretty easy to read once you've got the idea. Mystique was hard though.

I'm really sorry if this doesn't turn out very good, but I've tried to get some passion into it and it doesn't seem to have worked. Also, sorry for dissing Xavier. (It's what you'd see him like if he took _your_ children!) 

I forgot to add a disclaimer for the other parts, so once and for all, concerning **all** my works, I don't own X Men Evolution!!

I'll Keep My Window Open 

My daughter, Rogue. My daughter…the one I _betrayed_. Such a harsh word, harsh, inconsiderate word.

After looking at her through a window for years, staring, pretending that she was _my_ lost child, the baby Erik took from me. 

And now she hates me, because I tried to keep her for myself, she's wrong though. I tried to keep her for myself, for the _brotherhood_ because she's that precious. She's *my* baby. And I love her.

And now I've lost both my children, one thanks to Erik, and one thanks to Xavier. And what's the difference? I could have kept _her_.

They're friends now. They're brother and sister without their mother, and Erik says it's my fault in the first place, but I know it's his, because he kept his own son away from him in favor of his war, and now he's taken my children from me as well.

They might come back to me though.

I wish Erik could know what it's like to lose a child, see them and not be able to touch them, they're there, right behind that plastic prison that they put me in, and I could reach them, if they take a step forward.

I wish Pietro would die, then Erik would know what I've suffered, and yet he wouldn't, because a dead child is still there to love, but mine look at me with repulse. Disgust. 

I wish I could take Pietro from Erik and make him beg me for his son. But, sadly…

He doesn't care for children much.

My life's been this way for too long, fighting for something I've never touched and still want so badly it hurts. I'm fighting the man who saved me, and I hate him so much it hurts, but not as much as I hate Xavier.

He took my babies from me. He raises them as his own and dared to deny them who their mother is; he dared to deny them the knowledge of their birth! The _bastard_!! 

He knew, he knew all along who I was, read my thoughts and manipulated my children, I wish him dead and his institute buried, because he's even worse the Erik.

Erik is cruel, but fair, he fights for freedom so that mutants like _us_ wouldn't have to hide. What does it matter who dies in the process? 

But Xavier…he hides in his mansion, laughing as he preaches of better paths that he will never walk himself. He hides my children from me because they have more power and life in them then he could imagine, and he needs them to _trust_ him to keep himself sane, to pretend that he is right.

He hides them from the world, he spoils and ruins my children while the Brotherhood lives their life like normal people, seeing life outside the rose colored glasses that Xavier gives out to all his students.

The Brotherhood, they're just children, Erik doesn't see it though, he sees an army and he sees his way to power through these misunderstood, misused children that are more pathetic then any I've seen so far.

They've been used and used again and yet they flock to us because we are mutants and we _understand_ them. I understand them. 

I hate them!

Lance, the idiot! He's had too much freedom and too little love and the world has left him beaten and broken every day since his unfortunate birth.And he still believes that Erik will save the world, simply because he knows that if Erik doesn't, they will all be hunted down and killed, so he hangs on to this small string of hope Erik is tempting him with.

He's scared though, he's scared that Erik would fail and they'd have to run, and he's scared that if he lets go too soon we'll leave him. So he holds on tightly but readies himself to run, just in case.

The little one, Todd, he's been scared and abandoned, and he wants a family so badly he came to the Brotherhood even though he saw we would hurt him and use him. Perceptive little brat, he sees what we are, he sees what we will do to him and the other miserable little brats and yet he doesn't warn them, if simply because before they all perish they will be a family, and he is way too selfish to care what happens afterwards.

Fred Dukes. The big blob who needs a home and doesn't care who he lives with. Who cares what you get, as long as you're still alive, right?

Pietro…little Pietro Maximoff who's father is only a step away, but he still can't see this. He can't, he sees a man who broke him out of jail because he needed a mutant. Little Pietro has no idea what a man his father is, no idea who his father is…what a bastard! He throws my children away and keeps his own little one by his side, but he is coward, he dares not tell his child why he watches him every night. I will though.

I don't care who I'm destroying, I don't _care_ that little Pietro might get hurt, I don't _care_. He's just a child after all.

Stupid, stupid boy. Little rascal's been playing in the mud for so long he's forgotten what clean skin looks like!

Rogue and Kurt. Marie and Kurt. Brother and sister and my two most precious gifts from god. That is if god still looks at me and sees a human. We are, after all, demons. 

I wish I'd gotten the chance to explain, I wish I'd gotten a chance to tell them how much I _love_ them! My children, my Kurt and Marie. Their names sound good together. Raven and Kurt and Marie Darkholme...no, Wagner, Kurt Wagner and his bastard father who's name should be cursed for crossing the path of my son! As he so dared to banish me, call my child demon while he sits in his castle and broods of life and death and the stupidity that is Germany!

I wish they'd come back to me. I've dreamed for so long to have a family with my children, so I wouldn't have to watch them through a window. 

I'll keep my window open for them. 

When Kurt was little, I read a story to him. We lived in the same room. The same guest room Erik offered us, and while he _experimented_ on my baby by day, I read to him at night time. 

There were books, old things that Erik had somehow gotten, now that I think about it, he must have gotten them for a son he never bothered to find…I read them to Kurt.

His favorite was always Peter Pan.   
The flying fairy child that was abandoned by his mother, how becoming of him…I read to him about Peter every few days, before our escape, I read to him yet again, and stopped at that part…

The open window.

Peter Pan landed in a room full of darkness, with the three children sleeping in their beds, and he fell in love with a little girl who loved him back enough to come with him to Never Never Land.

So becoming, isn't it Erik? That I should love a book, which describes my life in a fairy tale? I never did have the courage to creep in through that window…the candle was always on; little Rogue was scared of the dark…Kurt wasn't though.

He loved the dark, a little child that sat on the roof and stared at the stars and wondered why his parents looked nothing like him.

I looked like him, could look like him even more should he ask it. I could be the perfect parent to them.

I've tried to forget it, ignore it, hate it, but they still haunt me as a ghost of my past that I want so badly to forget, remake, anything to still the voices of my lost children.

Every time I see the brotherhood, I think back and wonder if Rogue would have turned out better had I been there for her, if Kurt would have stayed with me had I been with him before. I wonder, sometimes, what Lance's and Todd's and Fred's parents had thought about their children. Whether they would have been better if I had found them earlier, whether I hurt them more by staying or by leaving them be.

I wonder what it would have been like for Pietro's childhood? Had he even remembered his father at all? Does he know who Erik is? Would he care should he be told? Would he hate his father? Like Kurt hates me…?

Would he run back to his family…?

I wish I could pretend that these children are my family, I wish I could happily raise them as my own and forget what they will become when Erik's war is done. I wish I could save them, I wish I could stop caring all together, I wish I was dead.

But if I were, then who would raise the Brotherhood? Who would remain to stop Erik from foolishly killing us all with his ambitions? Who would remain to know the true horror of Xavier? 

Who would wait by my window for my children to come home?

I think I'll live.

I think I'll keep my window open…

Maybe Peter Pan will come, bringing my Marie and Kurt.

END

A/N: ok, a little angsty, and like I said, sorry for all the Xavier bashing, no offence to his fan club!

Any way, Canada is finally getting Evolution! It's premiering tomorrow and the series starts on the 15th, so I'll be watching and hopefully learning more about the characters, so expect a delay on the next musing. I think I might redo them if it looks like I need to.

About this thing, if any one has an opinion and a comment or a complain, I really hope you guys either email me or put a review in, I don't get the series and this is a blind writing process based on fanfics for me, I really need advice! 

Also, thanks for all the great reviews! They are the ones that kept me going when my brain finally broke down and left me in search of a better body and maybe a cleaner soul.

THANK YOU!!!

Expect the next one next week at the earliest! (I'm thinking about Rogue)

LW


	5. Staring Contests

Staring Contests

Staring Contests

Sunny day and I'm driven to school by Scott Summers, who's humming as he drives the slick red car towards our destination. 

I don't mind sitting in the back with Kurt and Kitty and Evan, while Jean sits up front with her boyfriend. I like watching through the side window as the landscape passes by, hearing Kurt talk about things, Evan complaining, Kitty giggling…all part of life.

The other cars are always a little faster then us, Scott likes to drive safely and slowly, no problems, we're never late for school. I can get glimpses of other students in the other cars, people from my class…

Lance Avler's car pulls up next to us in the intersection. The red lights changed before the car could get through, and now we're stuck waiting.

I look out my window and stare at Lance. He hasn't changed since the first time we met, but I still stare, as if he's different somehow.

He scowls and looks away, directly at the unchanging lights in front, but I'm still staring, and soon he looks back, frowning hard. The other guys, Todd and Fred and Pietro, don't notice me. Todd's playing his CD full blast, Pietro's writing, finishing homework in less then a second, Fred's looking out the other window.

Lance is still looking at me, silently accusing me.

I wish the lights would change.

This happens all the time, in the crowded school, on the road, sometimes in the grocery store, when he's pushing a cart while Todd goes around, collection things.

It's like he's my shadow, always there, reminding me of things I'd really rather ignore.

I'm haunted by Lance Avlers, former teammate.

Sometimes he looks thoughtful, sometimes angry; sometimes I almost think he's going to ask me why I left at all. 

He never does though.

He just stares, looks away, then stares again, and I can't help but stare back, because he's Lance, and I'm Rogue, and we don't lose staring contests easily.

Sometimes I wish he'd stop, but then, if he does, I almost start to wish that we could just stare at each other forever, locked in an unmoving hourglass that freezes time, just for us.

And sometimes I wish he'd go to hell.

Because He's Lance and I'm Rogue, and we hate each other.

He's staring at me again, I can tell what's going on in his head so easily that it scares me, because I can tell what he's thinking better then I know myself.

He's thinking that I'm a traitor, and he's right.

He's thinking that I'm hopeless, and he's right.

He's thinking that he might just miss me if he really tried, and god I hope he's right.

He's thinking that maybe I was right to leave, and I can't say anything, because I don't know.

And I'm thinking, that maybe if he misses me, I should come back.

Maybe if he really wants to ask me, then I'll ask him instead.

Maybe the guys need me as much as I need them.

And maybe I don't need them at all.

There's this long, long distance between us, like it's been forever since we talked, since we were friends, since the time when there were no staring contests. I feel like it was some other life, like it wasn't real, like I missed something important that would have made me stay with the brotherhood.

All the things that happened to us before seem like a dream, and I only have the staring contests to prove it happened, that there was something before the X Men, that there were other friends. 

There's always a time where you want to grow up, I want to grow up too. Only a year, so I can go to classes with Lance. Right now, I'm in the same class as Pietro for two subjects. 

He stares out the window, he doodles at subsonic speed, he looks around the class and writes fast under pressure. I look at him, study him, read his expression when he's annoyed, listen when he starts to talk fast to the teacher before catching himself. Notice how his blue gray eyes start to dart back and forth when he doesn't know the answer.

He doesn't notice me, ignores me, his eyes skip over me when he looks around. And he's unreachable, unattainable, cold and hard and blocked by betrayal that I'm not sure he feels at all, if only for the others.

Todd's noticed me, and looks at Lance, shaking his head. He's asking something and Lance looks away and answers. I wish I could tell what he's saying. Todd looks at me again, and then, he grins.

He's grinning at me. Like we're friends, like we're just normal, human, friends. And I wish he'd keep grinning for a bit longer, but he stops and looks away, back to his music.

No one else notices our car, and soon the lights change, and we're off again. Driving away, towards the school. I'm not worried though; there'll be other staring contests.


	6. A Master At My Profession

A/N: Xavier was a character that I took more or less from the comics, especially the times he's gone wild and seemed a lot mor

**A/N: X**avier was a character that I took more or less from the comics, especially the times he's gone wild and seemed a lot more of a villain then a hero. Actually, I was trying to keep away from the "I'm right you're wrong" theme the Evo series have got going, where the brotherhood is evil no matter what they do and there is absolutely no way they could be half as human as the X Men. It's a little funny for me to try and get Xavier in a light other then the carrying old grandfather who wants to make the world a better place. Also, that accent _is_ evil!!

So, if you consider this thing to be complete trash because Xavier confesses himself to be evil, go screw yourself. I could care less. 

** **

A Master Of My Profession 

I consider myself to be a master behind a canvas, painting the world of the future while taking inspiration from the past. My paints are the X men and my artist's block is Erick, who I have once thought of as a friend, as I still do.

This dance that the children perform for me, is a masterpiece greater then I could ever write. They see the steps I put down for them and they follow my lead and become better and better every time Erick forces them to stop. They dance and dance and they will _never_ be conquered because neither Erick, nor Mystique, nor the Brotherhood will ever have as much confidence in their cause as the X Men do. They will be victorious and bring my masterpiece to an end.

I do not pretend to care what will happen to Erick, nor his children, nor the people like Rogue who are caught in the middle of this dance. I do not pretend to care that this masterpiece of mine might ruin all if it is not seen first by those who wish to burn it. 

My masterpiece will make the humans and mutants, homo sapient and homo superior, unit and become one in a world which will no longer fear anyone but the Brotherhood and Erick, who will no doubt try to intercept me. And I do not need to get beneath that absurd helmet of his to understand that he will not stop until the humans bow before us.

I am evil. And if anyone out there isn't, please do forgive me for not being you. And I have read enough and seen enough to know that no one out there deserves that apology.

We are so far removed from perfection that no one on this earth could possibly make a masterpiece such as this for anything other then their own deluded dreams and half imagined legacies. We are all evil. Even Scott, who would do nothing to harm another unless it was in my command, is evil.

As I have confessed, I, along with the population of this earth and possibly the rest of the universe, am evil. I make this masterpiece because I wish to leave behind a world that would weep at my funeral, not dance upon my grave because of my superiority. 

My power allows me to see into the hearts of those around me, I can tell with a glace that there are those of us who wish to leave, and there are those of us who would do anything for my cause, and I am relieved by both, because it would be nothin to me if I won a victory using those who are too stupid to see what I do.

Erick, however, doesn't care.

That is why he cares not that he brotherhood would leave him for a better home any given day, neither does he care that his son sees him as simply a shadow who does nothing but contemplate my next move. 

Which, if I may so brag, is impossible.

Oh, he sees this as well as I do, he sees that his masterpiece is painted with the blood of children who could care less. He sees that he is a monster and that after he defeats me (again, it is impossible) he will be burned at the stake by my many followers.

He could care less, because, he, like I, is wholly concentrated on the single point of light that is the future, a time when mutants rule, or a time when mutants and humans create the greatest civilization the world has ever seen.

Frankly, it has become my hobby, to feed upon the confidence of the X Men while I plan what to do to bring about the rebellion.

And every rebellion, as the history books tell, is started by a man with a dream and his followers, be they few or many.

I have a dream, and followers, and the resources that Erick doesn't need because the lack of funds makes him twice determined to win.

And of course, a rebellion would be the perfect legacy.

I am a master of paints and dance and music. I make the way for those of no skills to walk my paths and become a part of something that will forever be remembered. 

I use those around me and make them think they're using me.

And, as I said, I could care much, much less.

Erik has determination, and paints, and the idea for a masterpiece, which will be written in blood. He holds the keys to the powers of the Brotherhood, and he can use these as well as any. 

He has not the mastering of manipulation, though.

That is our greatest argument and his greatest failure.

Manipulation is necessary for life, and devotion, and for followers to walk in the paths as wholly as any can. It is essential for our plans.

Erik, being his ignorant and proud self, believes that laying the cards on the table will make others believe his honesty for everything else. I believe that he is full of shit.

The Brotherhood, as I have told him, trusts him no more because he has let them see that they mean nothing to him. Now they simply fear his power and are drawn to it because it will give them life where none other will.

Oh, they may live with him willingly, rather then going to the X Men, but they trust him little, certainly less then the do each other, even though that loyalty was never acknowledged, they still trust each other because these children have no reason to lie to others in their position. I suppose that there is sense in that.

I am a master of paints. I lead a rebellion; I defeat Erik and his absurd ideas of conquest. And yet I am also the devil incarnated, for I use children who cannot as yet see my evilness. But, like Erik has told me so often, "You have enough money to encompass your heart in gold, but not enough for a heart to encompass."

Oh, and I completely agree, hearts are way too expensive. "So are brains," as I've told Erik.

End

A/N: ok…so he's evil! I have to say that I think it's a character with more dimension then the "ever forgiving and over all perfect" professor. Him and Jean have the same problem in the series, they're both one-dimensional and over all perfect. Which I plan to change.


	7. Gotta Be The Girly One

A/N: ok, I'm not a Kitty fan, I've never seen her, but she's a real ditz in the 'fics

A/N: ok, I'm not a Kitty fan, she's a real ditz in the 'fics and the show (yes, I finally got a glimpse if Kitty on the TV). So this is probably gonna be biased. Any way! I was thinking about her role, and how she's always stuck being the "younger, must-be-protected" sister to everyone. I was also wondering whether she feels it's something she can't get rid of, or if she's really thinking that it's her "job" in the team. 

Kitty Pryde is rarely a character seen with depth, does she really have any?

** **

Gotta Be The Girly One 

I don't like to be considered a valley girl, and I _don't_ like to be considered little and cute and the "forever too young to handle life on anything else but a silver tray" girl.

I don't like being perfect, and I don't like being pursued by Kurt, or Lance Avlers, or any one else for that matter.

And I don't like being an X Man. It should be X Person.

And they don't notice, and if they did, they wouldn't care much, because I'm "oh-so-young-and-innocent, what could I know?"

No one takes me seriously, it's always, Kitty, do this like _that_, the other way is too hard! And Oh, Kitty needs help! Evan, stop stalking Quicksilver and go protect her!!

Evan can go choke on his Quicksilver, because I don't need or want _any of them!_

And so what if I use a few "likes" and "totally's"? It's what everyone talked like from where I came from! And Pink isn't too girly, just because Rogue wears green and looks like a Goth no one says that green is "Goth color"!

And hey, because I'm the youngest girl, and wear pink, and don't like to build up my muscles or threaten people with death if they don't leave me alone doesn't mean I have to be the "little sister". Why don't they just go and mother Jean? She wears pink and…oh, wait. She's like, totally older and more "mature" than me!

And it's always the girly one who gets admired but never _loved_ because she's cute to watch but not to talk to, these things always happen to me, it was Avlers and then it was Kurt and now it's I-don't-know-who, but I'm sure there's someone out there.

I could try to be like…well, like everyone else. I guess. But really, role models are missing in this town. I mean, there's Scott, who's got a stick up his ass ("Kitty, where did you learn to swear?!") and there's Rogue, who's his "leave me alone, or I'll punch the living daylights out of you" clone. And there's Jean who's…well, boring and annoying and perfect. And there' Evan who's a jerk, and Kurt who I'd rather not talk about.

I'll be caught dead before I even consider the Brotherhood. (I'm not even _thinking_ about starting to go around saying "ohhh…a challenge!!" At everything.)

I think that Rogue's attitude is cool, because she gets respect, and no one would even think of trying to mother her! And I like Kurt's jokes, but there's enough of them coming from him, so I think I'll just stick with being the "little sister". I mean, consider the other options…

"It's not as bad", they tell me, "you'll never be alone! And you have a nice family, and a house, and an education, and oh!! You can use a computer? Wow!! Alert the press!"

I can deal with it fine though, I won't run away, or go crazy, or decide to join the Brotherhood, (mostly since I asked Rogue and she looked disturbed, and it's not easy to disturb her…) And I guess that being the little sister has it's ups, because I get the first slice of pizza, and I get help with my homework even if I don't need it, and no one will ever suspect me of going out at midnight and trying to sneak into night clubs where I meet cool boys who'd just love to get me into bed. 

Every one thinks I'm innocent, and everyone is happy with me, and no one would expect more than I can give. So I guess it's not all bad.

But really, people shouldn't look at me weird if I don't wear pink today.

And I guess that Kurt isn't all that bad, but I'd still prefer if he left me alone, because he's not my type. ("Type" does not equal "species"; I'm not a prejudice mutant. There is no such thing. Except maybe Evan.)

Little me has to grow up, I say. But then again…it's nice to young. So it think I'll stay that way…oh, no!! Evan is back with a vengeance! And this time it's "Kitty, you need to come down stairs, there's a debriefing about how to work the new air conditioner!"

Maybe I should give them a debriefing about how I'm not nine years old.

And…

Oh, god, that was so boring I could scream! People around here must be crazy by now, listening about the **air conditioner** for half an hour!!

I really wish people would take me seriously for once, my father never did, mom had to practically lie to him to get me at least a little freedom, and that totally sucked, because I'm pretty sure that he's totally lost all his faith in me after I was found _changing records_ with that jerk, avalanche.

And like, the worse that happened is that I actually believed him for half an hour.

Which I regret.

And I trusted him and believed he'd help me, and maybe I was being silly, but Lance was a real good "knight in shining armor" guy, up until he almost destroyed the school and killed me.

And yeah, I'm stupid, and yeah, it was totally silly of me, but hey, I didn't feel like trusting Jean.

I wish people would get off my case…no, I don't. I'm happy with it. 

It's nice to be pampered…no, it's not! Leave me alone!!

Is there a middle ground? Can anybody tell me how to get there?

Am I supposed to get there?

Oh…great, just when you need "guidance" all the "guides" disappear on you.

END

A/N: more "ranty" than usual, but I like it. This is probably one of the better musings. At least from my point of view. I don't think any one's tried that angle of Kitty before, so I'm actually sorta proud of myself for it.


End file.
